No news to share, so here are some of our favorite Mitch Hedberg quotes that are good for a laugh or two :)
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D" for doughnut'.
